Stupid jokes
What would you do?I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation,but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a hugeflood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water suppliescompromised and structures destroyed.Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos fora news service, traveling alone, looking for particularlypoignant scenes.You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by thefloodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is aboutto go under.You can either put down your camera and save him, or take aPulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip onthe limb.So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer thequestion below:Which lens would you use?
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES .......
You can Tune a PianoBut you can't Tuna Fish..
I wondered why the base ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los AngelesU.C.L. A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge .
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts> > in feudalism it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner..
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France> > resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. ('Taint none of it mine lately!!)
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center> > you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Will Rogers said"If there are no dogs in Heaven then when I die I want to go where they went!"
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blueI start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60'speople took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
How is it one careless match can start a forest firebut it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzicalwhat are tests?
If corn oil is made from cornand vegetable oil is made from vegetablesthen what is baby oil made from?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Good laugh for Women (and guys, too!)
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say woman are dumb...
**********
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.
"The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
**********
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?
""Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
**********
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
**********
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediatel y he turned ninety!!!
Gottta love that fairy!
**********
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
**********
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
**********
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
**********
100 Ways To Be Happy
100 Ways To Be Happy
1. Never put yourself last.
2. When you extend a helping hand to one person, be careful not to kick someone else in the teeth.
3. Always own a pair of old, faded jeans.
4. Count your blessings every day.
5. Acknowledge your successes along with your downfalls.
6. Burn the candle that has been in storage for the last two years.
7. Strive for progress, not perfection.
8. Remember, the voice telling you that you cannot do something is always lying.
9. At least once a day sit and do nothing.
10. Don't close your heart so tightly against life's pain that you shut out life's blessings.
11. Celebrate all your birthdays no matter how old you get.
12. Examine your life for limitations and ask yourself why you put them there.
13. Plant a tree, pull weeds, or get your hands dirty.
14. Diminish your wants instead of increasing your needs.
. Cry when you feel like it.
16. Rejoice in other people's triumphs.
17. Don't wait for someone else to laugh or express joy.
18. Forgive yourself for any mistake you make, no matter how big or small.1
9. Keep good company.
20. Never take a pill for a pain you need to feel.
21. Use your enthusiasm to put yourself in forward gear and give yourself a spark to move ahead.
22. Look in the eyes of the ones you love when you are talking to them.
23. Remember that one is a whole number.
24. Walk in a summer rain shower without an umbrella.
25. Do a kind deed for someone else.
26. Keep your eyes and ears open to get the messages you need from people and events in your daily life.
27. Be patient.
28. Eat something green.
29. Change what you can and leave the rest alone.
30. Walk hand and hand with truth.
31. Make laughter an d joy a greater part of your life than anger and grief.
32. Embrace solitude instead of running from it.
33. Be zealous, not jealous.34. Forgive anyone you've been holding a grudge against.
35. Slow down and enjoy the present.
36. Walk in others' shoes before judging them.
37. Send yourself a kind message.
38. Remind yourself that the company you keep is a reflection of what you think of yourself.
39. Go on a picnic.
40. Accept your fears, no matter how crazy they seem.
41. Don't let other people's opinions shape who you are.
42. Say a prayer.
43. Never attribute your accomplishments to luck or chance.
44. Know when to say no.
45. Look at the positive side of negative situation.
46. Remember that you are a spiritual being in a physical body.
47. Avoid seeking out other people for constant approval, because it make them the master and you the slave.
48. Go fly a kite.
49. Avoid fads and bandwagons.
50. Accept the things you cannot change.
51. Look inside instead of outside yourself for answers to life's problems.
52. Remember that all feelings are okay.
53. Shield yourself from bad influences.
54. Stand up for what you believe in.
55. Respect the wishes of others when they say no.
56. Seize every moment and live it fully.
57. Give away or sell anything you haven't used in the past five years.
58. Never downgrade yourself.
59. Take responsibility for what you think, feel, and do.
60. Pamper yourself
.61. Never say or do anything abusive to a child.
62. Let yourself be God powered instead of flying solo.
63. Volunteer to help someone in need.
64. Refrain from overindulging in food, drink, and work
65. Finish unfinished business.
66. Be spontaneous.
67. Find a constructive outlet for your anger.
68. Think about abundance instead of lack, because whatever you think about expands.
69. Think of yourself as a survivor, not a victim.
70. Cuddle an animal.
71. Be open to life.
72. See success as something you already have, not something you must attain.
73. Experience the splendor and awe of a sunset.
74. When you score a base hit, don't wish it were a home run.
75. Learn to be in the present moment.
76. Instead of believing in miracles, depend on them.
77. Take a child to the circus.
78. Change your attitude and your whole life will change.
79. Never turn your power over to another person
.80. When your heart is at odds with your head, follow your heart.
81. Always remember that the past is gone forever and the future never comes.
82. Live your life according to what is right for you.
83. Acknowledge your imperfections.
84. Plant a tree and watch it grow.
85. See "friend" instead of "enemy" on the face of strangers.
86. Watch an army of ants build their houses and cities and carry food ten times their weight.
87. Believe in something bigger than yourself.
88. Let the playful child within you come out.
89. Make haste slowly.
90. Work through your problems step by step and one day at a time.
91. Accept compliments from others so you can see the truth about yourself.
92. Sit on the lawn without worrying about grass stains.
93. Don't condemn yourself for your imperfections.
94. Do a humility check periodically by loving the truth about yourself.
95. Tell someone you appreciate them.
96. Never live your life according to what is right for someone else.
97. Talk less and listen more.
98. Admit your wrongdoing and forgive yourself for it.
99. Thrive on inner peace instead of on crises.
100. Affirm all the good things about yourself.
1. Never put yourself last.
2. When you extend a helping hand to one person, be careful not to kick someone else in the teeth.
3. Always own a pair of old, faded jeans.
4. Count your blessings every day.
5. Acknowledge your successes along with your downfalls.
6. Burn the candle that has been in storage for the last two years.
7. Strive for progress, not perfection.
8. Remember, the voice telling you that you cannot do something is always lying.
9. At least once a day sit and do nothing.
10. Don't close your heart so tightly against life's pain that you shut out life's blessings.
11. Celebrate all your birthdays no matter how old you get.
12. Examine your life for limitations and ask yourself why you put them there.
13. Plant a tree, pull weeds, or get your hands dirty.
14. Diminish your wants instead of increasing your needs.
. Cry when you feel like it.
16. Rejoice in other people's triumphs.
17. Don't wait for someone else to laugh or express joy.
18. Forgive yourself for any mistake you make, no matter how big or small.1
9. Keep good company.
20. Never take a pill for a pain you need to feel.
21. Use your enthusiasm to put yourself in forward gear and give yourself a spark to move ahead.
22. Look in the eyes of the ones you love when you are talking to them.
23. Remember that one is a whole number.
24. Walk in a summer rain shower without an umbrella.
25. Do a kind deed for someone else.
26. Keep your eyes and ears open to get the messages you need from people and events in your daily life.
27. Be patient.
28. Eat something green.
29. Change what you can and leave the rest alone.
30. Walk hand and hand with truth.
31. Make laughter an d joy a greater part of your life than anger and grief.
32. Embrace solitude instead of running from it.
33. Be zealous, not jealous.34. Forgive anyone you've been holding a grudge against.
35. Slow down and enjoy the present.
36. Walk in others' shoes before judging them.
37. Send yourself a kind message.
38. Remind yourself that the company you keep is a reflection of what you think of yourself.
39. Go on a picnic.
40. Accept your fears, no matter how crazy they seem.
41. Don't let other people's opinions shape who you are.
42. Say a prayer.
43. Never attribute your accomplishments to luck or chance.
44. Know when to say no.
45. Look at the positive side of negative situation.
46. Remember that you are a spiritual being in a physical body.
47. Avoid seeking out other people for constant approval, because it make them the master and you the slave.
48. Go fly a kite.
49. Avoid fads and bandwagons.
50. Accept the things you cannot change.
51. Look inside instead of outside yourself for answers to life's problems.
52. Remember that all feelings are okay.
53. Shield yourself from bad influences.
54. Stand up for what you believe in.
55. Respect the wishes of others when they say no.
56. Seize every moment and live it fully.
57. Give away or sell anything you haven't used in the past five years.
58. Never downgrade yourself.
59. Take responsibility for what you think, feel, and do.
60. Pamper yourself
.61. Never say or do anything abusive to a child.
62. Let yourself be God powered instead of flying solo.
63. Volunteer to help someone in need.
64. Refrain from overindulging in food, drink, and work
65. Finish unfinished business.
66. Be spontaneous.
67. Find a constructive outlet for your anger.
68. Think about abundance instead of lack, because whatever you think about expands.
69. Think of yourself as a survivor, not a victim.
70. Cuddle an animal.
71. Be open to life.
72. See success as something you already have, not something you must attain.
73. Experience the splendor and awe of a sunset.
74. When you score a base hit, don't wish it were a home run.
75. Learn to be in the present moment.
76. Instead of believing in miracles, depend on them.
77. Take a child to the circus.
78. Change your attitude and your whole life will change.
79. Never turn your power over to another person
.80. When your heart is at odds with your head, follow your heart.
81. Always remember that the past is gone forever and the future never comes.
82. Live your life according to what is right for you.
83. Acknowledge your imperfections.
84. Plant a tree and watch it grow.
85. See "friend" instead of "enemy" on the face of strangers.
86. Watch an army of ants build their houses and cities and carry food ten times their weight.
87. Believe in something bigger than yourself.
88. Let the playful child within you come out.
89. Make haste slowly.
90. Work through your problems step by step and one day at a time.
91. Accept compliments from others so you can see the truth about yourself.
92. Sit on the lawn without worrying about grass stains.
93. Don't condemn yourself for your imperfections.
94. Do a humility check periodically by loving the truth about yourself.
95. Tell someone you appreciate them.
96. Never live your life according to what is right for someone else.
97. Talk less and listen more.
98. Admit your wrongdoing and forgive yourself for it.
99. Thrive on inner peace instead of on crises.
100. Affirm all the good things about yourself.
Some Stupid Jokes
Two drunk men were sitting in the park. The first one says,"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend itwith both hands.""By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if Itried really hard.""By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, noproblem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend itin half with just one hand.""So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?""Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'mgonna get!"
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.'
'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me.
I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!!
I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive! !!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo...I' m Bald!!!
The telephone rings.It's my brother.
He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo.. . Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.
But he doesn't get it.Frustrated, I hang up.
It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!
With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker... . Pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided which innaugral party we are going to for Obama ??????
Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT....::-):
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has providedthe answer to "Where do pets come from?"Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walkedwith us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesomehere and it is difficult for us to remember how much you loveus."And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you thatwill be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my lovefor you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,this new companion will accept you as you are and will love youas I do, in spite of yourselves."And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.And it was a good animal.And God was pleased.And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and hewagged his tail.And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in theKingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animalto be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be areflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them andloved them. And they were comforted.And God was pleased.And Dog was content and wagged his tail.After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord andsaid, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. Theystrut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy ofadoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, butperhaps too well."And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion whowill be with them forever and who will see them as they are. Thecompanion will remind them of their limitations, so they willknow that they are not always worthy of adoration."And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.And Cat would not obey them.And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were remindedthat they were not the supreme beings.And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatlyimproved.And God was pleased.And Dog was happy.And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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Bolly
Saif’s hardcore partying kept the Love Aaj Kal crew awake
Bollywood Stars, lies, and box-office
‘3 Nights 4 days’ a perfect concept for youth
Bollywood, by Chance Claims firangi beauty Sanda Caktas
Nothing Gay about this party
Akshay Kumar’s price reduction comes with a catch!
My Name is Khan creates a hurricane
Genelia’s acting Dumb, and she Hates it
New York is the first film to get special bonus
Ali merchant says NO to Balika Vadhu
Bollywood Stars, lies, and box-office
‘3 Nights 4 days’ a perfect concept for youth
Bollywood, by Chance Claims firangi beauty Sanda Caktas
Nothing Gay about this party
Akshay Kumar’s price reduction comes with a catch!
My Name is Khan creates a hurricane
Genelia’s acting Dumb, and she Hates it
New York is the first film to get special bonus
Ali merchant says NO to Balika Vadhu
Bollywood News 19 th July
Drunk Deepika fell into Saif‘s arm
Shilpa spills the beam about Salman, Sangeeta
Shruti Haasan undergoes nose surgery
Imran wants Kareena not Aishwarya
Bipasha, Mugdha hate each other
Aamir, Hillary Clinton to come face to face
Rakhi Sawant will not marry the winner
Deepika’s hot and sexy item number
Shilpa spills the beam about Salman, Sangeeta
Shruti Haasan undergoes nose surgery
Imran wants Kareena not Aishwarya
Bipasha, Mugdha hate each other
Aamir, Hillary Clinton to come face to face
Rakhi Sawant will not marry the winner
Deepika’s hot and sexy item number
24 Bumper Stickers For Women
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. ANOTHER DOPELESS HOPE FIEND
23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
Crazy Jokes
Promoting an office
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
the-
rapist.
Movie:- Newyork
All About Newyork
John Abraham, Katrina Kaif, Neil Nitin Mukesh, Irrfan Khan
Cast: John Abraham, Katrina Kaif, Neil Nitin Mukesh, Irrfan Khan
Publicity Designer: Fayyaz Badruddin, Yash Raj Films - Design Cell
Producer: Yash Chopra, Aditya Chopra
Production Designer: Norman Dodge
Playback Singer: Kay Kay, Sunidhi Chauhan, Mohit Chauhan, Pankaj Awasthi
Background Sound: Julius Packiam
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