I Need You Now

Why God doesn't have a PhD

 1. He had only one major publication.


 2. It was in Hebrew.

 3. It had no references.

 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his

    results.

 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use

    human subjects.

 10.When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by

    drowning his subjects.

 11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

 12.He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

 13.Some say he had his son teach the class.

 14.He expelled his first two students for learning.

 15.Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

 16.His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a

    mountaintop.

Women...Keep ON Smiling.

What I Want in a Man, Original List:
 

1. Handsome 
2. Charming 
3. Financially successful 
4. A caring listener 
5. Witty 
6. In good shape 
7. Dresses with style 
8. Appreciates finer things 
9. Full of thoughtful surprises 
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
 
  
  

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)
 

1. Nice looking 
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 
4. Wants to talk to me. 
5. Laughs at my jokes 
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out 
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 
9. Loves to go for drives 
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week 

  
  
  
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 

1. Not too ugly 
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 
4. Nods head when I'm talking 
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 
10. Shaves most weekends 

  
  
  
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 
3. Doesn't borrow money too often 
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
 
9. Remembers your name on occasion 
10. Shaves some weekends 
  
  
  
 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 

1. Doesn't scare small children 
2. Remembers where bathroom is 
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 
4. Only snores lightly when asleep 
5. Remembers why he's laughing 
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 
7. Usually wears some clothes 
8. Likes soft foods 
9? Remembers where he left his teeth 
10. Remembers that it's the weekend 

  
  
  
 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 

1. Breathing 
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
 
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My Sweet Feelings

My Feelings

 

When I look back at the times we just used to be friend…

I see the wind of love around me…

Love which I had never experienced…

Love in which I never used to believe..

Your gestures, your affection, your thoughts…..

You leaded me along with your sweetness….

And I entered n to the dangerous waters of the conversation about love…..

But being me I never used to accept that I am descending and it will never gonna stop…

Every road I travelled led back to you and I realized that we need each other in order to see the true brilliance of things…

My longing for you was always very strong….

For sure I never told you about it that I started missing u….

Your simple message brightens my day…

Your name on my cell gives a bright light to my soul…

Thanks for giving me what I long for….

Thanks for your reflection on my life…..

LOVE & LIFE

LOVE & LIFE
 

 
 

This story tells us something about LOVE & LIFE.

 


My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.

 


Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

 


I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.

 


One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

 


"Why?" he asked, shocked.

 


"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

 


He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?

 


And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"

 


Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

 


Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.

 


Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"

 


He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

 


I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

 


My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....

 


This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.

 


"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

 


You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

 


You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

 


You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

 


You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

 


You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...

 


Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "

 


My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. .. And as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

 

 

 

I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

 


That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

 


Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...

 


Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE

 


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New Recruitment

New Recruitment
 

 
 

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.

500 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.

498 people leave the room.

Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says 'Kem Chho'

The other candidate answers 'Ek Dam
Majama'

 
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Twenty Great One Liners

Twenty Great One Liners
 
 
 
 

1. Regular naps prevent old age... Especially if you take them while driving.

 


2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

 


3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
 

 

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

 


5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

 


6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

 


7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... But whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

 


8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

 


9. True friends stab you in the front.

 


10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

 


11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

 


12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

 


13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

 


14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

 


15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

 


16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

 


17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

 


18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

 


19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

 


20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books